Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
