Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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