it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
