the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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