I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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