dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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