We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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