I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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