Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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