you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
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