FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize