I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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