I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
