Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
