Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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