dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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