I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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