He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
