Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
This is my gift to your gina
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
