The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
