and you said cock pushups were impossible
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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