shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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