About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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