The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
