put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
