I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
