I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
