Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
