I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
