You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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