You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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