I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
