my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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