Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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