sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
