got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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