I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize