I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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