Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
