My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
