im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
