I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
