Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
