Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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