Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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