y did u give ur computer a hand job?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
