Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
