you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
