the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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