Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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