that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
