I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
