is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
