My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
