I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
