Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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