Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
