NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
